Oh, and thank you two people who have commented as the comments are embarrassingly connected to my self worth. I know in my first post I said I didn't care and have no expectations, but that was all just a ruse because in reality Successful Blog = Happy Kristi, and Unsuccessful Blog = Lonely and Sad Kristi. Keep reading and commenting. End shameless self-promotion.
Anyway, I have noticed a trend in conversations that I think others will appreciate. I call it the “Me Factor.” The Me Factor is the thing that makes a conversation interesting. Not surprisingly, it concerns how much the conversation you are having is about you and how it applies to your life. I made a graph to illustrate:
Notice that the level of interest about a conversation increases proportionately with how much the conversation involves you. When people are talking about you, you make an extra effort to listen closely, you laugh more loudly, and you enjoy it more thoroughly.
You might think that embarrassing stories would be exempt from this rule, but you would be wrong. You see, when the story is embarrassing, you already know how embarrassing the full story is, but the teller may leave out a few details, so you still listen closely to find out exactly HOW embarrassed you need to be to leave the audience feeling as though they have not been told a story you don't actually find embarrassing. You wouldn't want to look like you were embarrassed about getting underwear for Christmas when you were eight if the story is actually about streaking across a little league game because there was a bee in your shower and you ran out screaming because you're allergic to bees but you got overly excited and ran outside but then you saw a bear and you ran away from that too and you were too busy running and wondering why there was a bear in the middle of a city to think about the fact that you were naked and then you're on a little league field and you don't know how you got there and everyone has stopped playing except for the pitcher whose aim is bad and he throws the ball and instead of going over home base he nails you in the head and knocks you out and then you wake up and everyone is staring at you but no one will touch you because you're some kind of NAKED FREAK at a little league game. You also have to be ready to defend yourself concerning your stupid actions. Seriously, what were you thinking?
Another factor that will raise the level of interest in a story is how much it reminds you of a story that is not only funnier and more awesome than the one currently being told, it also more importantly involves YOU, not the person currently talking. Allow me to illustrate:
As you can see, the story doesn’t have to involve you at all if you are anticipating the end of it so you can tell your cooler, more awesome and altogether better story at the end of it. Not only does it trump the Me Factor, it also makes the conversation slightly more interesting. I know, you’re probably thinking, “But Kristi, you’re only saying that because you just happened to draw it that way even though it was by accident.” And you know what? You'd be right. BUT, it’s also true, as my subconscious and obviously highly superior drawing skills were telling me even before I was conscious of the fact that it is true. The reason these conversations are more interesting to us is because we’re honing our story in our minds even while the other person is talking, and the anticipation of the end of the story makes us listen even harder for the tone that indicates the story is over. Besides, if there are other people listening to the story you may have to fight for talking space so you want to be sure to take measures to make sure they don't tell their stories first, such as by punching them or throwing them into the ocean.
There is one more thing that will throw off the Me Factor: the Famous Factor.
The famous factor indicates that a famous person is talking, and we all know that famous people live such thrilling and fascinating lives full of drugs and sex and rock and roll, so you can't help but be interested, even if the things that I listed are horribly cliche yet true. And if a famous person is telling you about yourself? Well, there’s really no way to top that.
Personally, I hope that a famous person never tells me about myself, because I know that during the whole thing I will be thinking, “This is the most interesting conversation I will ever have in my life! It’s thrilling but I know that when it’s over there will never be another conversation to match this one and that's kind of sad, unless I have another conversation about myself with someone even more famous like Johnny Depp.” And I would be so busy lamenting the fact that this is the high point in my conversation life and I will never have anything else to compete with it until I meet Johnny Depp and that he's really hot and I love him and I wish I was talking to him right now instead of this current famous person that I will miss the whole conversation completely. I would have to spend the rest of my life looking for people who are more famous that the other famous person and then try to get them to talk about me. It would be like an addiction. I’d probably end up living as a bum in Hollywood with some guy named Steve and we would live in a refrigerator box under a bridge and I would spend my days stopping random people on street corners to see if they’re famous and then gauging the level of their famousness by this handy chart I have made:
Okay, I know this chart may seem a little weird, and the font is embarrassingly small, so let me break it down so you don't develop eye strain and sue me because you don't have eye insurance. Not that it would do you any good, because I don't have any money or eye insurance either.
1. Me – I’m not famous. How do I know this? Because I don’t get stopped routinely and asked about my life as a famous person. I don't mind though because I hear the paparazzi really suck. I would probably go blind from all the flashes and then I would sue THEM because even though I'm famous for some reason I still don't have eye insurance.
2. Crack dealers – they aren’t famous per se, but they do know a lot of people, and people show up at their doors demanding stuff, so that’s kind of like being famous, I guess.
3. “Joey” from Full House – WTF ever happened to that guy? He was a fixture in my childhood (even though he was my least favorite character) and then he just disappeared. I bet it’s because he doesn’t have his mullet anymore. Kind of like when Jennifer Grey got a nose job and then no one wanted her to work anymore even though she was prettier and that's not fair, but I bet if Joey grew back his mullet people would be like "Hey, come work for us!" because mullets are awesome.
4. Bill Gates – slightly more famous that “Joey” but I never see him anywhere. People know he created Microsoft and he’s a bajillionaire, but does he ever DO anything? I mean, Steve Jobs did a conference thingy recently. I bet he’s hiding from the shame that was Vista. (Insert shameless plug about Apple being way better here.)
5. Tom Cruise – Wildly popular in the 90s, Tom Cruise’s appeal rating dropped dramatically after the Oprah Couch Jumping Incident of 05. He’s made a respectable attempt to come back in films, but personally I can only stand him when I can’t recognize him like in Tropical Thunder and I can pretend it's just some lumpy old dude who is really angry about being so lumpy.
6. Bill Clinton – Famous due to a sex scandal. I really feel sorry for the guy, because he did some great things while in office, but the main legacy he left could only be seen under a black light.
7. Jon Stewart – I love Jon Stewart. He reports on the sex scandals and other political embarrassments, which makes him famous because he makes fun of them, and everyone loves making fun of scandals. Also, he's hot.
8. Harry Potter – Not even a real person, but he still beats Tom Cruise. Harry Potter is a worldwide phenomenon, and I mostly just put him on here because he is awesome and I’m excited because I just saw the trailer for the new movie.
9. George W – More famous than Clinton because the world hates him. I haven’t really heard anything about him since Obama took office – he's probably hiding in shame and hoping he won’t be assassinated by some lunatic or Dick Cheney, who isn't really known for his awesome aiming skills.
11. Johnny Depp (I know I missed a number, but I’ll get there in a second) – So Johnny Depp probably isn’t the most famous person in the world, but I can’t imagine a conversation more thrilling than one with Johnny Depp telling me about myself, so he gets the top spot. Also, he’s hot. I guess if I ever had that conversation I would be forced to kill myself because life would be meaningless thereafter.
10. Oprah – Oprah was bumped from the top spot for reasons stated just above, but she probably is the most famous person ever. You will note that she also appears above the line in the chart to indicate superiority and she is appearing last on my list here as the anchor, even if it is out of order. This is primarily because I am reasonably sure she has internet spies and could probably have me killed with a slight gesture of her pinky or because she saw this on a bad day. She’s scarily powerful for a woman who started out with bad hair hosting a talk show... uh, I mean, you’re beautiful Oprah and I love you and you have good hair and I watch your show every day and please don’t have me killed because I’m too young to die and besides I haven't even talked to Johnny Depp yet...
I’m not sure I should end a post with a plea for Oprah to not kill me, but I’m kind of all talked out for the day. Besides, in my real life I really suck at telling stories and often leave the audience with an “Oh…..” kind of feeling, and I rather think I’ve done that here. See? A glimpse into Kristi as a real living person outside the internet. You’re welcome.
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